The random thoughts of an architect-turned- lawyer from the deep south living in Washington, DC...

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Letter to my nephew

Dear Ezra,

I know we haven't met yet but I do look forward to the day that changes. I feel like I have so many things to tell you right now that I don't know where to begin. Most importantly, I just want to say that I am sorry. I am so sorry that things are the way that they are. I know you are too young to understand, much less even realize what is going on, but I also know that you will someday. And it will probably hurt.

When it does, little guy, feel free to turn to me because it's been hurting me for over ten years. I may not know how to deal with it and I may not understand it, but I live it and I feel it.

I spent years watching all of the drugs and the lying and the stealing and the hurting. Like everyone else, I hoped and prayed each time my brother went to rehab that it would be the last, that he would finally realize what he is doing to himself and to his family. Over time, the more I held onto those hopes, the more painful it was when he crushed them again. As the years went on, the tears began to dry up. The sadness turned to anger and then to numbness. There came a point when I just couldn't take it anymore. Maybe it was selfish, but to protect myself, I walked away. I had to. I have not cried for your father in years.

Until now. But these tears tonight aren't really for him. These are for you, little guy. I am so glad that you joined us in this world, but I must be honest with you. I have been terrified from day one that he is going to hurt you too. And here you are, not even four months into your life, and he's in rehab again. You surely do not deserve this. If I could take you in my arms, and protect you from all of the hurt that you may one day experience at his hands, I would. Without missing a beat, I would.

If I thought praying or hoping for a change in my brother would do any good, I would clasp my hands and hold on for dear life. But my heart gave up on him a long time ago. Instead, I will pray that you don't ever have to experience the hurt that the rest of us have. I pray that you always know how many people around you care about you. Regardless of what the future with your father brings, you are one loved little guy and I cannot wait to meet you.

All my love,
Aunt Laura