The random thoughts of an architect-turned- lawyer from the deep south living in Washington, DC...
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
I popped out of bed.For months now, getting out of bed has been one of the more dramatic parts of my day. Despite my top of the line mattress and sleeping on my side with a pillow between my legs (doctor recommended) - I still wake up in pain. The worst part is physically moving my body off the bed. I've tried rolling out of bed, sitting up and scooching to the edge, rotating to put my feet on the floor first. None is any less painful than the other.
It doesn't end with getting myself upright. There's still that whole walking thing to deal with. As I painfully put one foot in front of the other, the dog just watches me. He used to wake up at 6am hyper as can be. Now he just sits there, feeling sorry for me. Not sorry enough to hold it though. Oh no, he has to go out first thing. I painfully throw on sweats then we have our morning "you have to jump up here because I can't bend over to put your leash on" conversation. Eventually, I muster up the strength to hobble around outside and let the dog do his thing.
I spend our whole morning walk thinking "are you serious - I'm 31 years old. Am I really falling apart already?" Then I take an inordinately long shower because the hot water feels good and I don't have to move. Then I grab my coffee and pop 4 ibuprofin hoping they will kick in by the time I get to work.
So begins my day.
Not today. This morning, I popped out of bed, turned off my alarm and just stood there. I realized that I popped out of bed. I painlessly got out of bed. No rotating and scooching and rolling. I just plain got out of bed - I don't even remember how. Such a simple act to radically transform my morning.
I hope this is the beginning of me becoming me again.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
FearI am having a cortizone epidural in my spine today and I am scared.
I am not scared of the local anesthetic. I am not scared of the large epidural needle. I am not scared of the fact that they have to move over my sciatic nerve to get to my herniated disc. I am not scared of my decision to forgo sedation for this procedure. I am not scared of the pain of today.
I am scared this will not work. I am scared that even after today I will still not be able to bend over and pick up my dog or clean my bathroom floors. I am scared that after today, sitting, laying down, and standing will still hurt. I am scared that after today I will still have to stop and catch my breath a few times an hour. I am scared that after today, I will still have to live with this dabilitating pain that makes getting through my days so difficult.