The random thoughts of an architect-turned- lawyer from the deep south living in Washington, DC...

Sunday, February 18, 2007


Every time I think I'm going to be okay...and I begin to settle into the comfort of moving on...the tears come back. I feel like I am fighting with myself right now. I am fighting the "me" that I was before him. That me had strong walls built of hurt and cynicism and experience. Yet, that me was strong and content and looking forward to life. She was okay.

He changed the me that I knew. I saw something in myself with him that I had never seen before and I had just enough time to settle in. I was comfortable and happy and warm. I didn't need the walls. I didn't need to pretend. I fell in love not only with him, but with the "me" I was with him. I now realize that I was that person because of him. I can't be that person without him. I don't know how.

So although I was ready to give her up for good, the old "me" comes back. I go back to being strong and independent. I go back to pretending.