The random thoughts of an architect-turned- lawyer from the deep south living in Washington, DC...

Monday, July 31, 2006

My Own Worst Enemy

After a long day of London sight seeing, I had time last night to just sit...alone...and think. This was the first evening since I have arrived in London that I found myself alone with my own thoughts. They took over and the jolting reality of my situation came crashing down on me like a ton of bricks. I went to the market for some red wine and the tears just started flowing. It finally hit me how freaking terrified I am of all of this. I have honestly never felt like this about anyone. I was talking to a friend tonight and before I could say "things would be so much easier if I could just find a guy in DC"...I realized something. I don't want a guy in DC. I don't want a guy of a different Religion. I don't want a guy who fits into whatever mold I thought I had. I want Ben. Plain and simple, I want to be with him. That is all. I'm not sure how any of this is going to work and really, the practicality I have been fighting to keep out of this situation is finally creeping in.

I knew I needed to sit alone with my thoughts, but I really just wanted to be in his arms. I could not get in touch with him and my mind began to wander. As a woman, I have the pleasure of being a slave to overanalytical obsessive thoughts and doubts in moments like this. I spent my evening doubting him, doubting me, doubting us. With every minute that went by that I did not hear from him, my mind wandered further. I found myself in the midst of this web I had woven within mere hours. Not even a good friend of mine could snap me out of it. It all just became too much for me. I slept with the phone in my hand and dreamed about him. When I awoke and realized he still had not called, I felt empty.

I found myself thinking back to this day. When we parted ways, he told me he wanted us to still be together. He broke down my walls and he made me believe in "us." Then, he dropped that ball within one month when he found someone new. He walked out on us and he hurt me. It is not fair to project that onto Ben. Those are my insecurities and he has not given me a single reason to doubt him. I know this, but I am still struggling to believe it.

My dear friend would not allow me to stay in bed crying today. Rather, she forced me to leave puffy-eyed with her to grab some coffee on our way to school. We were at the Starbucks across the street from his work and I was staring blankly out the window when I felt my phone vibrate. "Hello darling, are you okay?" he says. He told me he left his cell phone at work last night and really missed me. He noticed that I called a few times and wanted to make sure I was okay. I guess he could hear in my voice that I was not because he said "stay where you are, I'm coming outside." When he saw me, he just hugged me. I stood there in his arms and just let it all out. I'm scared. I'm leaving in a week and I am downright terrified of all of this. He looked me in my teary eyes and said "it's going to be hard for both of us. But I'm here. RIght now, it's you and me. That's all that matters." He wiped my tears and then kissed me.