The random thoughts of an architect-turned- lawyer from the deep south living in Washington, DC...

Monday, October 31, 2005

Admitting weakness

Everyone has weaknesses. Well, everyone but me, right?

When I was a little Law-Rah, I played on a T-Ball team. At the end of the season, we had our end of the year swim party at Kelly Green's house. (Wasn't until much later in life that I realized the significance of her name. Her brothers were Shane and Hunter. What evil parents.) Anyway, the end of the year swim party doubled as an awards ceremony. A bunch of little girls sat there all wrinkled and tired from playing in the water all day. The parents had arrived to watch at this point. Coach Hebert was handing out trophies and fun gifts and such. When he got to the last award, he slowed down. It was a new award, one he had never given out. He began describing the recipient of this award to everyone. She was the shining star of the team. Even when we lost, this little girl had a big smile on her face. Not only did she make the best out of everything and keep that smile on her face, she was contagious...making everyone around her smile. I remember that he ended with "no matter what, Law-Rah always keeps smiling." I was shocked. Really? Is this how you see me? I didn't even mean to smile. I didn't even realize I was smiling. (Of course, I was pumped because I got a container of candy with my name on it.) But more importantly, I thought it was strange. I had never seen myself in that light and was surprised that other people had.

Most of the time, I like being that girl. I like living my life always happy. I like being the one to make everyone smile. Sometimes, though...sometimes, it gets to be more than I can handle. Twenty years later, I realize how hard it is to always be that person. Sometimes, I want to be the weak one. Sometimes, I don't want to smile and I just want to break down. I wonder if I am trying to live up to the expectations that others have for me, or those that I have for myself. Either way, they are some pretty high expectations. My friend looked me in my teary eyes tonight and told me he would love me no matter what. I know this. Why can't I accept this for myself?