The random thoughts of an architect-turned- lawyer from the deep south living in Washington, DC...

Friday, January 19, 2007

Baking cobbler

From Dr. Izzie Stevens: "It's weird, I have all this money and I would spend every penny of it to save George from what he's about to go through but I can't. It's useless. So I made cobbler."

I watched last night's episode of Grey's Anatomy and it seems to have affected me a wee bit more than usual (read: the tears just won't stop.) I needed it though. I needed to cry about this. For weeks I have had these pent up uncomfortable feelings that I didn't really understand.

When I was in London, Ben got a phone call about his dad. His health not looking too good and he was going to need surgery. I saw an immediate change in Ben's demeanor and did what I could to make him feel better. We talked about it and I let him know I was there if he needed me. That's really all I could do.

His dad took a turn for the worse last week and it is really hitting Ben hard. He just sounded so lost. So tired. Emotionally exhausted. It was one of those rare instances where I found myself at a loss for words. He didn't turn to me to help him sort things out. He turned to me as a way of getting away from it, to take a break from thinking about it. His way of "dealing" is to hide away and get lost in his own thoughts. Alone, in his bedroom, with beer and music. He internalizes things and I can respect that. But at the same time I wish he would reach out. I wish he would turn to me to help him get through it. I wish that I could wrap my arms around him and make it all better.

He left for Algeria on Tuesday with an open-ended ticket to be with his dad and his family. I haven't heard from him since he left which is annoying, yet not uncommon for him. I know that I cannot take it personally and it has nothing to do with his feelings for me. At the same time, I just wish there was something I could do. I'm praying for his father and his family. And he knows I will be there in any way I can if he needs me. I guess that just letting him know I care is all I can really do right now. I still feel so damned helpless. Plus, I don't know how to make cobbler.