The random thoughts of an architect-turned- lawyer from the deep south living in Washington, DC...

Sunday, July 24, 2005

A rare glimpse into the "other" side of me...

Reading another blogger recently and also some deep conversations with ML have got me thinking a lot about relationships and the lack of one in my life. Please let me prelude this by saying I am happy. I come from a good family; I am luckily healthy; I am getting a great education, in a great city, on my way to a hopefully very fulfilling second career; and I have the most amazing friends a girl could ever dream of. I've worked hard to get to where I am and I am very happy to be here. I've lived my life on a mission (not quite sure for what) but guys were second to my "real goals and ambitions". Not saying it's a fear of commitment, per se, it's just that I have always lived thinking I will not give up my life for some guy. I've lost some really great guys because of this. Sometimes, though...sometimes I think I would give it all up to meet "him". I look around at people in my life that are blessed with having found their soulmate and I wonder if everyone is so lucky. I have had some wonderful relationships in the past (and some bad ones to go along with it) but I still wonder if "he" will ever come along. Maybe he has and I was too stubborn to see him. I think that is what I fear the most. I look at some of my past blunders and I can't help but think they would've turned out so differently "if only..." I wonder if this is not some circular universe that I live in thinking that I have to build up these walls because of a fear that I'll never find him when in actuality the walls are keeping him away.

I want someone who will ask me how my day was and really really care. I want someone who will stand behind me, no matter what, yet challenge me to be a better person. I want someone worth being a better person for. I want him to lay with me on the sofa and watch cheesy movies just because being in each others arms matters way more than whatever is on t.v. I want someone to need me, but yet see straight through me to know that I need him too. I want someone who, when invited to things, automatically gets two tickets because he wants me there. I want someone who leaves post-it notes on my mirror telling me I am beautiful. I want to sit outside at a restaurant on a breezy night and discuss my dreams with someone who wants to be a part of them. I want someone to talk to his friends about me. I want to like his friends. I want someone who loves his family and wants me to love them too. I want someone to slow dance with. I want someone with whom I can have the best conversations in the world without speaking a word. I want to be able to lay in the dark and listen to jazz with him while the rain beats down outside. I want someone who has his own life, his own friends, his own world...and he wants to let me be a part of it. I want someone to go with me to the Washington Monument and stand as close as possible and just keep looking up until we are both so dizzy we can't stand up. I want a first date. I want to get those nervous feelings in my stomach every time he is around. I want to think about him when I am picking my outfit out in the morning. I want him to call me just to say hi. I want someone to know I am full of shit when I say I don't want kids and I am never getting married. I want someone to make me quit fighting and quit running. I want to love and to be loved.

Okay, once this chardonnay wears off, I am probably REALLY going to regret posting this!